One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his SweatShirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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Whets the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....
Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely
s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa without catching anything .
I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily
have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.
The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.
Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.
What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.
Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it
out..."
The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'
she said.
So I suggested,
'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,'
she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes..'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust'
And then the fight started..
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started…
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the football, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said,
'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'
I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.
'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!!
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to who?"
The boy says, "To a friend of mine for a $1,000."
The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now"!!
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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
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Three little ducks go into a Bar......
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their first baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at
how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the postman was lying dead on their porch!
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) NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
) I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
) A half-gallon of 2% milk
) A carton of eggs
) A quart of orange juice
) A head of lettuce
) A 2 lb. can of coffee
) A 1 lb. package of bacon
) As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
) standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
) cashier.
) While the purchases were being rung-up, the drunk calmly stated
) 'You must be single'.
) I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
) derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I
) looked) at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
) about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital
) status.
)Curiosity getting the better of me, I said...
)
) 'Yes you are correct: But how on earth did you know that?'
) The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you
a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with
the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to
support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next
ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last
ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
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An Irish rugby fan is drinking in an English bar, when he gets a call
> on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and
> orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife
> has just given birth to a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
>
> Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
> the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in
> Ireland .... Like I said; my boy's a typical Irish baby boy . Gonna be
> a rugby player.'
> Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations
> of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
>
> Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say,
> aren't you the father of that typical irish baby that weighed 25
> pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
> two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'
>
> The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
>
> The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What
> happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
>
> The Irishman takes a slow swig of his Guinness, wipes his lips on his
> shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
>
> 'Had him circumcised.'
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Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising
> altitude, the captain announced:
> ' Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293,
> non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good,
> so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax
> and..... OH, MY GOD ! '
>
> Silence followed!
>
> Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
> 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking
> to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
> my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
>
> One Irish passenger yelled, 'be jezis you should see the back of mine!
> '
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